On Every Street  - Karina Halle This song...

"I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched
I wish that I could stop loving you so much
Cause I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change These battle scars"

...was on repeat while reading this.

I purposefully avoided reading this because of the major betrayal that Ellie suffers through thanks to Javier. And I’m assuming if you're reading this you've already read Sins & Needles and you know what that gut wrenching betrayal is.
That topic has always been tough for me to stomach. Mostly because I'm a firm believer in loyalty and trust in a relationship and of having the “cojones” to speak your mind and communicate if you're unhappy and because ...it hits home.
Of course ,though if he had just communicated we wouldn't have met Camden McQueen in Sin & Needles and that would've been a damn shame. And I think he's going to prove to be more than just the other option for Ellie. At least that's what I’m hoping for but that's in Ms. Halle's hands.

Needless to say though this one gutted me. Just like I expected it too. And can I say bravo to Karina for writing that excruciatingly perfect scene. It was so breathtakingly honest. Everything Ellie felt was real. She wasn’t a character in that moment. She was akin to me and I wanted to reach in to those pages and let her know that with time it gets better. But the truth is it never does. Not with the type of love that Ellie and Javier had.
”I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. More than I thought I was capable of. Eden, you've taken my heart by surprise from the day I first saw you. It hasn't been my heart since”

It changes you. Just like it changed Ellie from the girl willing to forsake her vendetta for true love into the girl we meet in S&N doing whatever she needs to do to get by.
Something I wasn't expecting at all was for me to want to understand why Javier acted the way he did . I thought I wouldn't care. That as soon as he did Ellie wrong he'd be dead to me but aside from his charm and smooth Latin Lothario persona ,Halle gave him this air of all-knowing mystery.
Like what he says and does is for more than what he lets on and it makes me wonder how sincere he was about everything he said...
“My angel will always come before me.”

So I guess we'll have to wait for the next one and see if he really did mean that. as far as teams go I'm #team-grow-some-cojones-and-show-her-that-you-care. Whoever does that wins my vote.